Thy will be done. This phrase is a challenge for me to let go. A giving up of control. It's an opportunity to recognize that nothing in life is a waste when I let God use it for His purposes. An acceptance that while brokenness and death and pain and sorrow and grief and sadness were never a part of God’s original plan for this world, that His will is to use those things for good. If I am willing to let Him.

I know that someday I might even feel at peace and be grateful for this experience and all that it has taught me. I know that someday things will get better. But why won’t that knowledge numb my pain right now? Why do I still just want to curl up on the floor and weep? Why do I feel so empty? Empty arms. Empty womb. Empty heart. Empty pit in my stomach. Hold me, Jesus. And while you’re at it, please hold our precious daughter Aliza for me too. Your precious daughter, Aliza.

“Lord, use us. Lord, help our lives bring glory to Your name. Lord, break our hearts for what breaks yours. Continue to teach us the lessons we need to learn that will strengthen our faith. Help us realize that we fully rely on you. Remind us that we are not in control. And Lord, if it brings You glory, don’t lead us down Sesame Street.”

And I hope that in your life, in your circumstances, in your happiness and sadness and laughter and anger and pain and fear and worry, that you will choose joy too. It's not an emotion. It's in spite of emotions. It's not pretending everything's okay when it's not. It's in spite of life running a muck. 

And all we are left with is our faith. No detailed Google Maps directions to tell us where we are going, and how to get there, and exactly how long it will take to arrive. Just a flashlight of faith to illuminate the ground as we take one step at a time.

Emmanuel. God with us. No matter our circumstances, He will see us through. No matter what you are going through. No matter how much it hurts. No matter anything. You can ask the Lord: “Are You with me? Are You enough for me? Even if my dreams don't come true? Even if my life doesn't always turn out the way I hoped?” He answers: I Am.