We have waited over a week to receive our test results:
I was hopeful my phone would ring on Wednesday with the Genetic Counselor on the line. It didn't.
I was impatiently positive my phone would ring on Thursday with not only the name of the probable chromosome abnormality our baby is facing, but also the gender of our baby. It didn't.
I was depressingly unsure if my phone would ever ring today, or any day after that.
“I just want to know who is growing inside of me. I just want to give our baby a name.”
I finally let my impatience get the best of me and called the Genetic Counselor:
“I was hoping to have test results for you today, but due to bad weather surrounding North Carolina, the lab just received your blood sample two days ago. We won’t have your results until next week Wednesday.” {March 18}
And with a blasting wind of disappointment I am reminded of how this storm is so out of my control. I am reminded that this is the kind of journey we are on. This is what I need to get used to: walking through the unknown.
Because even if we have a name for what is trying to take the life out of our baby, the journey ahead will still be full of unknowns: We don’t know what is going to happen, or when it’s going to happen. Will God call this child back to heaven before it is born? Or shortly after? Will He choose to grant us and our baby the miracle we are desperately praying for?
And all we are left with is our faith.
No detailed Google Map directions to tell us where we are going, or how to get there, or exactly how long it will take to arrive. Just a flashlight of faith to illuminate the ground as we take one step at a time.
Never have I felt such a strong urge to simply cling to Jesus: “Lord, help us.”
At times, my overflow of emotions betray me, leaving me full of fear and worry and utter impatience. And at other times, my lack of emotions leave me in a cloud of depression, like I’m running on “E” in every way.
But then there is faith. Being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see. {Hebrews 11:1}
Faith keeps us going: Faith that someday short of eternity we will have answers. Faith that no matter what happens, our child is in God’s perfect hands. Faith that even through the longest of winters, or the darkest of storms, there is hope.
I had the pleasure of listening to my sister and her three beautiful daughters sing the song “By Faith” at her youngest son's baptism last fall. And in one of many encouraging emails I received after first sharing our baby’s news, I was reminded again of this song. {You can listen to it by clicking this link. or watching it at the end of this post. Or you can simply soak in the lyrics below.}
By Faith {Keith and Kristin Getty}
By faith we see the hand of God
In the light of creation's grand design
In the lives of those who prove His faithfulness
Who walk by faith and not by sight
By faith our fathers roamed the earth
With the power of His promise in their hearts
Of a holy city built by God's own hand
A place where peace and justice reign
Refrain:
We will stand as children of the promise
We will fix our eyes on Him our soul's reward
Till the race is finished and the work is done
We'll walk by faith and not by sight
By faith the prophets saw a day
When the longed-for Messiah would appear
With the power to break the chains of sin and death
And rise triumphant from the grave
By faith the church was called to go
In the power of the Spirit to the lost
To deliver captives and to preach good news
In every corner of the earth
By faith this mountain shall be moved
And the power of the gospel shall prevail
For we know in Christ all things are possible
For all who call upon His name
No matter who you are or what you're going through, this journey on earth indeed requires so much faith. Faith to counter the darkness, the unknown, and the fear we face in the storms life tosses us into.
Thankfully, we have so many who have gone before us and have demonstrated this type of grounded faith. {See: Hebrews 11} The kind of faith that, even in their personal imperfections, led each faithful follower to listen to the Lord’s direction, even when they had no idea where they were going, or how long it would take, or what would happen when they got there.
“Lord, please bless us to walk with this kind of faith, even though sometimes it's so dark we simply cannot see.”
Grace and Peace,
Kendra